fumble turned humble.

the day came, i met my match.
it came in the form of a male.
might i be able to overcome the struggle,
or crumble underneath the strain.
he tested everything that was my essence,
he requested that i change my behaviour.
not to say that there was something wrong with me,
everyone else that knew me, accepts the behaviours that they grew to love.
only my match could ask such an outrageous thing and have me question why i even did it, how could it be that one boy could make me change the way i was.
he tortured me, controlling every moved i made,
condemning weekly and hourly rituals.

and then, it all came to an end, when he pushed the final and last button.
the girl that thought she could have anyone she wanted from what she has been shown,
not only that she is attractive but something that mostly just love to have around.
before it was nothing of the sort, she grew up thinking that she was the definition of the ugly duckling. what is there do with but feel en powered and have a power trip.
and its making me realize, that i fumbled and now i am humble.

chasing pavements.

should i give up or should i keep on chasing pavements,
and it will lead away, it will be a waste and i will my place..
and i give up.

you want something that i can't allow myself to give you, i want you, and you don't want me in the same way.
so i will have to continue chasing pavements.
you says that they can just be friends with benifits and that is unrealistic, regardless what i thinks or wants to believe, your just depressing.
i'm going down the wrong way even on a sunday; parties, boys, sex, liquor and drugs. back to my old life.. the way it should have been, i'm not going to let you bring me down anymore. you played me so dirty, played me so bad, torn with my affection, i had to set you free, away from me.. to let me see what love can be.

i'm going to do my own thing, its okay.
cause i am chasing pavements.

i want you exclusively, because i'm lost without you.

so it dawns on me while i'm sitting here listening to music, while the girls are riding me for liking a boy.
i want you, need you boy. i don't want anyone else just you, i have a feeling that we are playing games now, but it will end soon and we will be exclusive.
its like a tornado of emotions that take over my body when i see, think or am even near you. your being is what drives me to breath and wake up in the morning, i hate to admit it but i am lost without you.
all i can see is you, when ever you pop up on my screen, i end up jumping for joy, hoping that our conversation doesn't end until i'm in my bed unconcious from you using your sweet voice to take me to a place of a dark place of bliss.

just call me my name and i'll be there.

let's call it off.

do you agree, let's call the whole thing off.
the conversation turns into a tense, uncomfortable moment..
you don't know what to say, or even do, he's quiet and so are you.
he asks you want you want from him, and you don't even know.
you don't want a relationship but you want him, and you want sex but you want a little bit more. to explain that to him is impossible, all you want to do is answer to your true potential. the only thing you can do is sit there, staring into space, while a tear runs down your cheek and chin..
you ask him what he is thinking about, he responds that he's thinking about the first time that you ever chilled with him, and the tears turn into rivers, that wash away your pain, fears, and worrying thoughts.
and then you realize that you can't let it go, you just can't call it off.